• J and Q • Playing pretend, playing dress up- What if we d..

• J and Q • Playing pretend, playing dress up- What if we didn’t have to give that up just because we are adults? I recently had a conversation with someone about how to bring up role playing to their partner. It’s nerve wracking asking to try something new in the bedroom (or any part of the house 😉). We can become insecure for a laundry list of reasons. We don’t want our partner to feel like we want to be with another person or possibly we are scared of being laughed at and judged for things that turn us on. Being vulnerable about intimate and hidden fantasies can be intimidating. However, life is too short for bad sex. There I said it. Don’t come for me. Hot take; Life is too short. There aren’t an infinite number of “climbing the exercise machine” or “getting eaten out while upside down on a couch” days left for me. So, what do we do? For me this has many factors: communication, vulnerability, and having a partner you feel safe with (and safe to be rejected by). The best way to start a hard conversation like this, is to make sure the time and place is correct. No tv or distractions. I usually ask my partner how they are feeling mentally that day and if they have room for me to open up to them. From there it’s all about me being honest and open with myself and with them. For me, kink is self expressive, it’s healing, and it lets me reach limits of my own body and my mind with the person I’m most in love with. Exploring new costumes doesn’t mean I want to be with another person or I’m fantasizing about not being in this relationship- but I am getting to play dress up and feel sexy in my own skin. I get to be characters that make me feel strong or sultry. Exploring a universe in my imagination. The fact that my partner , my best friend and lover, gets to join that fantasy world with me is the best part. She looks so powerful in her element, if you can’t tell she enjoys the costumes too. Having a compatible partner is a very important part of having the kind of sex that you both are into. “But god*,” you ask. “What if they say no.” Great question. Let’s talk about Hard-Nos versus Not-right-nows. To me people have levels of “no” when it comes to things they will do in bed. A Hard No in the kink community is something a person will never do, for one reason or another, trauma or just no into the idea. a Hard No must always be respected and never pushed unless that person decides they want to push that limit. However, most of sexual positions aren’t a definite no. Many people just haven’t been asked to try them. When being vulnerable and asking to try something new, you can’t give ultimatums or beg and plead for someone to do it just because you want it. How I approach these conversations is asking “Are you open or willing to try this now, in the near future, or is this something that will take time and care?” In my own relationship, we have had plenty of things in the bedroom that M or I wanted when we met that we haven’t started doing until now because we Now feel safe enough to try them with eachother. I cannot stress enough how important it is to respect however your partner feels, as much as it is to honor yourself. If you have a kink that you cannot live without and you have a partner where that is a hard no, then you two may not be compatible in that area. And/or you two could explore other relationship dynamics where you can both be fulfilled. This all goes back to having someone you love and feel safe with, who you feel safe being rejected by. YES MEANS NOTHING IF NO WAS NEVER AN OPTION. You and your partner will have a more enjoyable sex life when you can empathetically communicate, know there is still love if the answer is no, and hey, you might just find yourself a villain living in a DC universe with your partner in crime.