This is basically the “costume” I’m wearing starting in toda..

This is basically the “costume” I’m wearing starting in today’s film, throughout the whole thing. I dunno what you call it? A pleather string system? Ha.

Last night, I took a majorly emotional blow. I dunno how I didn’t see it coming. But basically the guy who I’ve been ate up with since August (who seemed as equally ate up with me, btw…) turned me down hard.

After the roller coaster of the ‘walking on eggshells’ “relationship” I had to end because it was making me mentally ill AND freaking me out with all its negativity towards others, secretiveness & eventually insults towards me, this was a probably dumb thing to throw my heart into anyway. Although my heart had been there anyway. Laying silently & fragile, for some time.

I don’t think I can love again after this past year. I am truly disappointed in myself for not being truthful with myself when red flags become apparent from the start.

I have a tendency to pick a person blindly & then feel a whole rainbow of emotions for them quickly & carelessly. Maybe it’s true what that book, “Women who Love Too Much” said. That people like me pick people who can’t fully be in because I’m protecting myself from having to truly be available.

I doubted it was right for so long. Because well, I don’t want to date anyone in my home town to be completely honest. I’m never there, for one. And anytime I have dated people close to home in the last several years they get extremely annoyed that I’m not available due to all of my travel & if once in a blue moon I’m not traveling, I just want to be alone with my dog. Because I get so socially drained doing the work I do.

Not that I don’t love it! I do. I get to perform as whole other people right out of my inner shell. It’s freeing! It’s the socializing with other actors who often seem untrustworthy because of hidden animosity’s & grabby for any opportunity they can have. To the point of trampling over you or throwing you under the bus to get them. Probably in ways they might not even realize. I’ve truly found only a few actress friends I can honestly trust. And luckily I’m working with two of them today. So hopefully that will renew me.

But all that rinses the human faith right out of me. So maybe that’s another reason I search for love in far away & uncharted waters? Either way, this is going to take some time to get over. I don’t want anyone else to just “have fun with”. That’s just not my style.

I’ll be glad when Monday comes & I can just get back home to my apartment. I can’t even pick up my dog until maybe Wednesday at some point. But I really miss him too. He never complains to love me.